Life truly is more about the journey than the destination…
I just had dinner last night with one of the special education
teams that I work with in celebration of our last day of school… we had Indian food
with a wonderful chai tea at the very end of our meal…
We were reflecting on the entire year and laughing about
some of our crazy meetings…at the beginning of the year, we had a meeting with
a parent who’s a member of one of the more dangerous, and hence, more
prestigious gangs in the area (I had no clue there was a ranking system) I was
a bit, ok I was more than a bit, nervous sitting next to him to explain the
results of my testing so I…uh… sat across the table from him to explain the results of
the psychological testing to him…as soon as the meeting ended and the parent swaggered out
the door, the special ed teacher and
speech pathologist I work with burst out in laughter…
It’s funny how close you get to people after you’ve sat
through meetings with gang members together…when you’ve figured out how to deal
with temper tantrums (both from children and adults…I’ve decided that I prefer
temper tantrums from children because they haven’t mastered language, don’t
have the understanding of manipulation, and don’t have lawyers), you’ve
experienced a million of emotions together, and when you’re all women =)
The special ed teacher, speech pathologist, and
instructional assistant that I work with are over 50, but they’re all heart, vivacious,
strong, incredibly good at what they do professionally, intelligent, and lots of fun…I hope that
I’m that fun at age of 50…
Something a friend sent me that I thought was interesting…
5 GOLDEN RULES FOR
FINDING YOUR LIFE PARTNER
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for reviewing the prospects of
long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing
a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of
close to 50 percent (in USA),
it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding
Mr./Ms. Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting
married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1
mistake people make when they date.
Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.
Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good
marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come.
Let me say it again You CANNOT
build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are 5
questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding & keeping a
lifepartner.
QUESTION #1
Do we share a common life
purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married
for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan
to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat & jog together? You need
to share something deeper & more meaningful. You need a common life
purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can
grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a
marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottom line - &
marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2
Do I feel safe expressing my
feelings & thoughts with this person? This question goes to the core of the
quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly
with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust- i.e. trust
that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts
& feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with
whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts & feelings. Be honest with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you
plan to marry.
QUESTION #3
Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is
someone who is a refined & sensitive person. How can you test?
Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular
basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine
defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good &
do the right thing." So ask about your significant other What do
they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic
person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There
are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to
personal growth & people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone
whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of
doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION #4
How does he/she treat other
people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person
pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves & self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the
following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such
as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat parents &
siblings? Do they have gratitude & appreciation? If they don't have
gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that
they'll have gratitude for you-who can't do nearly as much for them! Do
they gossip & speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be
someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others
poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after
we're married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the
intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a
colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change
after marriage .. for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person
the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion,
dating doesn't have to be difficult & treacherous. The key is to try
leading a little more with your head & less with your heart. It pays to be
as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that
will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but
when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in
trouble because you didn't do your homework. | 
